How to Deal with Grief?

This is a post, that is personal yet I think it is really important to outline especially M & V is a blog about becoming and learning how to be an independent woman.

My parents split up and my mother and I moved when I was twelve, this was because my father was physically and verbally abusive, although he was only physically abusive to me not my mother. My mother was forced to leave, as if she didn't child services would have taken me away into foster care. Dealing with a parent who is physically and mentally abusive is very difficult, but like everything you can overcome anything you put your mind to.

Just before my 19th birthday I came back from Canada and my father had cancer, and I was asked to be his Power of Attorney, he said a lot of hurtful and nasty things to me during this time, even though I was there for him. I tried to be strong, and I was undertaking a full time dual degree at university in Business & Law and also working part time in a law firm.

The hardest thing for me, was talking to people I didn't tell anyone until he passed away the day before my 19th birthday, even my closest friends didn't know, I think it was because of my difficult past with him. Instead of dealing with these things I went to Canada to work in the ski fields and it was probably the best thing for me to do.

The thing is, I know it would have been easier for me if he was a different father figure in my life, and for a while after his death (I am now 21) I think i was mourning the father I never had.

Everyone deals differently with grief, I really struggled because of the hurt I went through in my life with him, but I mastered my courage finally and let go and scattered his ashes alone without anyone holding my hand, and I let go of my past while I did it, and I wasn't angry, or sad or resentful I just felt like I was accepting the past and accepting that he is my father, I do love him and he was good in other ways, there are just some things that no matter how much you analyse or think about you can never figure out. You just need to accept things, and move on.

It is hard, harder if you are mourning for a relationship you never had and never can have. What I learned was all I needed was time, take care of myself, the snowboarding helped, and I focussed on work and university. Really, you can overcome anything, you just have to be strong, resilient and you will have weak times, but in the end you just get a little bit stronger, and you will be so much stronger and happy, I know because I have been there. There are seven stages of grief:

Acceptance & Hope - you learn to accept and deal with the reality of the situation. This is where you will find a way forward. You look forward and plan things for the future, the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good things to come. This is where I'm at now. :)